dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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