I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
