I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
