Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
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What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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