ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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