Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
