I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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