I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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