pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
