I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
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He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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