I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I have feelings that need drinking.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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