hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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