Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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