I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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