i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
