I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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