you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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