An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
