Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
