i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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