I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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