So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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