Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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