We're facebook friends in real life
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
