life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Randomize
