Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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