I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
