so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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