I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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