Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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