i can't believe i had my finger in that
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
