I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
