apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
