Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
