I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
and she was petting her beer can
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
