I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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