I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
