I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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