so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
