The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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