her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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