So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
