Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
