Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Boobs speak an international language.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize