Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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