i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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