Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
