I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
