Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I deserve to be covered in dicks
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
