I wish you could order shots online.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
