just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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