Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
