How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
