Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
