i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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