first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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