I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
last night I used snow as a chaser
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
