There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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