My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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